Weathering the Breakdown: A Lesson in Transformation

“When it feels scary to jump, that’s exactly when you jump. Otherwise you end up staying the same place your whole life. And that I can’t do.”

–A Most Violent Year, J.C. Chandor

It’s no secret that I’ve been embracing a journey of transformation. These past six months have been trying, but they’ve also shaken me awake and for that I’m grateful.

There’s been a distinct paradigm shift. After months upon months of stifling, my intuition has once again revealed herself and I, like a proper young lady, listen. Nuances are much easier to detect and I take great joy in shoving myself out in the world and testing my strength. It’s a metaphor. By embracing physically demanding tasks and stepping outside of my comfort zone, I’m finally discovering what I’m truly capable of.

No more boxes.

Years upon years of classic conditioning and self-doubt don’t just go away. After suffering the experience of losing myself and the subsequent realization that I wasn’t happy, that where I was and who I became no longer served me, well… I was all too eager to toss myself into the fire, to rebuild and start again.

However, I must digress and say that there is no quick lesson in fixing oneself. And quite honestly, one has to go through the process of falling apart in order to further grow and develop. It’s only when all our walls come down, when we can sit with sadness and really listen and learn to understand ourselves, that we can move forward.

That’s not to say that I’m fearless or don’t suffer anxiety over what the future holds. There are these slide-back moments when panic swells and uncertainty seems all too prevalent. Thoughts cross my mind that maybe I should slink back into a familiar comfort zone and hibernate until whatever strength I perceive I’ve gained, returns. At the same time, I finally realize I can live my life differently. I can make changes and grow. The possibilities are endless. I am perfectly capable of reinventing myself in astounding ways.

It’s a newfound self-awareness. I don’t have to experience life the way everyone else says I should. I’m the author of my story. I’m the main character.

There’s a huge learning curve and I fight for the right to live authentically each and every day. Mostly that means checking in with myself – what I desire, what it will take to go out and get it, and recognizing how it makes me feel. Some days I’m invincible and others, I have patiently wait for that feeling to come back.

The truth is that there will always be moments when we hit a metaphorical or physical wall. It’ll sting like a mother and it’ll have every possibility to break us. That voice saying we’re not going to succeed is just background noise. Let it pass, don’t attach. Weather the feeling and let it go. The only way we’ll grow into our fullest selves is if we keep moving forward.

It’s easier said than done (I know). I’m writing these words as message to myself as much as to those who may be reading this entry. Go. Don’t stop. Find people who encourage the positive change in you and feed off their energy. Be thankful for their support. And, if you aren’t lucky enough to have people present in your life right now, seek out others through forums and groups and just – get out of your comfort zone. Jump or you’ll be forever teetering on the edge wondering what might have been.

Cliches do have a ring of truth to them – remember that.

Now if you excuse me, I have to follow my own advice.

Emotional Trauma and Faulty Conclusions

When I can’t stop myself from analyzing, I like to use such situations to my advantage. After all, self-actualization is the name of the game and I like to think that I can stretch my mind sideways in order to understand, not only the way world works, but the way in which my inner sanctum operates.

Ever suffer an epiphany? That blatant “aha!” moment which is subsequently followed by, “oh no,” because you touched a sore spot and damn that hurts?

It just happened a few minutes ago and my mind is positively reeling.

In my last entry, I mentioned my personal aversion to conflict and how squirm-worthy it makes me. My skin crawls and I get these rilings in my belly and chest that refuse to subside. I go into avoidance mode even if something is deeply bothering me because, I wager, it’s not worth the upset.

Faulty premise. Faulty conclusion. Discomfort. Rinse & repeat.

When I further questioned why I was avoiding conflict, I got a pretty clear response:

If I express feelings of displeasure, hurtfulness, or pain – I am essentially manipulating the situation to fit my desired outcome by employing the use of a guilt complex against whoever is involved.

Let’s rewind. This [faulty as hell] assumption is based on the premise that by the mere act of expressing negative emotions, I will make a person feel bad enough about their actions that they will appropriate their response and thereby act in a kinder and more respectful way  – but, for the wrong reasons.

I feel the adult chiding a child who is subsequently myself.

The beauty of self-expression is that we learn about who we are in both positive and negative ways. It’s yin and yang – two sides of the same coin. Without upsets we wouldn’t have happiness. So, why am I reducing myself to a flat character who only expresses the positive? We feel everything. Emotions exist along a spectrum and communicating them is just one of the privileges of being alive.

We should be able to express ourselves freely, especially to the people we’re close with. That’s intimacy and one of the wonderful perks of relationships. In turn, our friends, lovers, family, etc., should take those feelings into consideration and amend their behavior to care better for us (or else, sit and help us work through these matters).

Repeat after me kids, in healthy relationships, love is not conditional. Expressing discord is not the end all be all and you should never stuff and smother your feelings to avoid conflict. Never. This breeds unhappiness and you will, consequently, begin compartmentalizing your emotions in a very unhealthy way.

Henceforth, the Box Effect.

So of course, being the good little thinker I am, I began wondering just how I internalized such a faulty perception.

It begins with low self-esteem and valuing the feelings of others over your own. More often then not, when sensitive souls (those who are very perceptive to body language, reading a room, energy, etc.) encounter a person they care about feeling badly, they’ll do whatever they can to alleviate the situation. Being helpful is awesome, right? Wearing the badge of “fixer” is super fulfilling – until your own emotions get involved. Arriving at the conclusion that you’re the cause of someone’s distress, or that you’re adding to it by vocalizing your needs, is tortuous. There’s a disconnect. How can someone so bent on fixing a situation serve to make things worse?

Does not compute. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

This is how stifling begins. We make ourselves smaller as not to be an active participant in causing any frustration with those we care about. What’s worse is when people respond to your vocalizations with:

“I didn’t mean that! You’re making me feel guilty.”

Emphasis is everything I suppose, though I’m careful not to spew this little ditty at anyone. While someone can unintentionally make you feel like a pile of steaming and festering dog shit, they shouldn’t abandon all accountability and place the blame back on you.

Emotional manipulation runs rampant here. The expresser of said feelings is being told that the way they’re perceiving the situation is wrong, that their very insistence about speaking out on the subject is not justified. Internalizing this faulty worldview and applying it to multiple relationships is a recipe for disaster.

Often enough the speaker becomes overly cautious and stops expressing themselves completely. It seems better to internalize our own discomfort (and dismiss it) than to upset those we care about. Additionally, when the undeveloped mind experiences this type of situation ritualistically, it becomes the perceived norm and consequently, an area of trauma. Much like learning that touching a hot stove will burn your hand, expressing displeasure over a situation —  and not receiving any sort of emotional support, but instead, blame — will leave said person with a severe sense of self-doubt. Reality distorted, we begin to question if we can trust our own perceptions and it becomes very hard to make healthy decisions.

To bring things full circle, suffering such trauma (even in the past and recognizing such views as faulty), can still effect the present tense. Even in healthy relationships, I’ll cringe when I know speaking my mind is going to be uncomfortable. I automatically go back to a place where I feel everything will fall apart because on some level, what I’m saying won’t be accepted. The person I’m speaking with may reject the feelings I’m trying to express, and that means they’re rejecting me as a person (at least, that’s how I see it). I don’t want to slough through those emotions again. I hate the ichor and tar that stays my limbs every time a prospective conflict arises.

It’s something I have to actively fight in order move forward, to heal, and to eventually grow. By consciously making the decision to meet conflict head on, over and over again, I should (in theory) become more comfortable with it.

Practice makes perfect, after all. It won’t always be easy, but half the battle is knowing what you deserve. The other is ploughing through, and doing everything within your power to attain it.

The Box Effect

We all have expectations of ourselves and one another and truthfully the two seldom align. Maybe you’ve run across a situation where someone disappoints you. A negative emotional reaction takes place and, not liking what you experience, you decide to stuff every bit of bitterness and heartache into a figurative box. Neat, huh? Supposedly you can go back and access that situation later (when you’re emotionally ready to tackle the problem). Except this rarely happens as it’s humanity’s condition to become comfortable and let things slide by the wayside.

The Box Effect to which I’m referring in the title of this entry is known in the psychological realm as Compartmentalization. That is, “an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person’s having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, [and] beliefs … within themselves” (Wikipedia).

Now I know I sprung quite a bit of psych speak at you, so let’s digress.

The above reference is an example to avoid emotional anxiety. That is, “I was hurt by this misunderstanding, but if I say anything on the matter then the person I’m referring to might also be hurt. My best option is to wait until things “cool off” so I don’t become agitated or heated while discussing it, thereby sending the wrong message.”

And that, dear reader, is also an example of using rationalization to aid in the compartmentalization process.

When engaging in a situation that causes cognitive dissonance to take place, I don’t think people necessarily put a name to the act at the time it’s happening. It’s more a feeling of discomfort (ranging from vague to extreme) and the dismissal of rising thoughts (ex. panic) that cause distress. More often than not, we choose to disconnect from these thoughts in order to spare a ton of emotional and psychological pain.

After all, it’s a lot easier to believe that your evil boss has it out for you than it is to recognize and come to terms with the emotional distress caused by someone you deeply care about. And, if you want to take that a step further, whether such behavior is intentional or not, based upon whether you’ve attempted to tackle the issue before.

Let’s face it, confrontation sucks. Bolstering your gravity against someone else’s wants or needs can often leave you feeling the villain (that is, assuming you’re the sensitive type who generally cares about that sort of thing). But with any situation, there’s a measure of give and take to be had within the spectrum of healthy relationships. This is where actively using one’s voice and venues of self-expression comes in. When one refuses to engage in problem solving behavior, they’re only perpetuating the possibility for a vicious cycle to continue down the line.

My self-proclaimed allusion to The Box Effect also applies to setting rigid standards that one must comply with in order to maintain an acceptable identity within social spheres. That’s a very clever way of saying we manipulate the way we’re perceived by others in order to be accepted. Some examples of this can include engaging in risky behavior (such as drugs or unprotected sex), stifling opinions for the sake smooth sailing (preventing conflict), or generally hanging with people who don’t possess the qualities conducive to who you want to be.

It’s common to assume that participating in these types of situations will yield the “almighty acceptance,” but when you get right down to it, you (as an individual) won’t be happy if you’re stuffing pieces of yourself in boxes just to satisfy everyone else.

It’s a high price to pay for a fancy illusion and the cost is often losing sight of oneself.

I won’t sit here and claim that it’s easy to recognize the behaviors and patterns that put us in boxes. Much of humanity is content with a quick-fix system – using vices to scratch a feel good itch, thereby eliminating the need to work at becoming self-actualized, healthy, and productive individuals. But the fact of the matter is that if we don’t know and accept ourselves for who we are, we can’t possibly live in profoundly fulfilling ways.

In closing, The Box Effect may work well as a short-term defense mechanism, but when taken too far and utilized too long, it can quickly spiral out of control and leave us as husks of who we want to be. Never fear if you find yourself in the midst of an identity crisis, we’ve all been there (myself included). Just take the time to reconnect with who you are. Try new things. Meet new people. Spend time with good friends. Engage with the wonderful world that once seemed so narrow and small.

The boxes are imaginary after all, and we’d do well to remember that.

Power in Vulnerability

Yesterday I mentioned to my boyfriend about beginning this website. When he asked if anything was new, I couldn’t keep a smile from my face.

Cue anxiety as I stammered to explain myself.

Telling people about this project fosters accountability and I am quite famous for starting things and never finishing them. So while it’s a good thing that he knows, it also makes it that much harder to let this project fall by the wayside.

One of the greatest challenges will be achieving balance. What do I post to foster a connection with readers and what do I reveal about myself? Writing is solitary work, but in order for others to understand, I must explain – more often than not that means peeling back layers that reveal an all too familiar soreness. It’s vulnerability at its finest and that’s a powerful thing.

One of my favorite TED talks by Brené Brown explains this wonderfully. The video is linked below for your viewing pleasure. It’s definitely worth the watch.

A reminder: we gain courage through practice. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable and out of your element, so long as you don’t allow those feelings to stop you from achieving your desires.

Breakout, Break Free

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart.
I am, I am, I am.”
-Sylvia Plath

The first step is always the hardest. We flinch and heed an inner voice that urges we’re not quite ready. This hesitance forestalls and life sweeps us up in its usual whirlwind. That which tugs at our hearts – the passions that make life worth living – go unheeded.

That’s about to change.

The Breakout Chronicles recognizes a marked shift from living statically, passively, to pushing limits and finding out what the human spirit is capable of. It’s a story of awakening, of being shook up after losing oneself to the whims of others, of seeking the path of self-discovery.

Breakout from preconceived notions, breakout from self-imposed shackles, and in turn, become the truest version of yourself.

Anything is possible. You just need to believe it.