Writing has always been about solidifying some form of accountability, of allowing the words that scurry across my brain to flex and breathe, to take up space.
Writing has always been about creating a haven and returning to it time and time again.
I stand at the threshold, place a key in the lock, turn both it and the handle and…
I am home.
Continue reading “Resurrection: Home is a Blank Page”
[Image reads: Sometimes you have to step outside the person you’ve been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you want to be. The person you are. -H.G. Wells]
Years ago, a man came back from an expedition where he met with a psychic. There, she told him, “I was a golden rose amongst weeds.”
I ate up the comment like glorified candy. Continue reading “The Stickiness of Being Stuck & Getting Unglued”
One of the most powerful tools we have in our human arsenal is perception. How do we view the world and how do we choose to react to what we see and experience?
Though initially automatic in nature, perception is best paired with the act of mindfulness, that is the “psychological process of bringing one’s attention to the internal and external experiences occurring in the present moment” (Wikipedia). Our reactions to stressors are rarely limited to isolated incidents. Human beings are icebergs who have a lot going on beneath the surface. More often than not, an emotional or mental trigger urges us to react to a situation in a way that we don’t quite understand, leading us to become irrationally angry or upset, and unable to process problems in a constructive manner. We channel past experiences and hurts intuitively and act based on instinct.
Embracing the power of perception allows us to facilitate healing. We become aware of our bruises, needs, and desires. With practice and focus, we abate the ego – the child who seeks immediate soothing through outbursts – and cultivate a deeper understanding of ourselves and our actions. We attain a new level of self-respect and come to appreciate autonomy. A side effect: we are less ensnared by the expectations and opinions of others.
Perception can be divided into two categories, internal (personal perception, addressed above) and external (the perception of peers). Continue reading “The Power of Perception”
Your body is simply being a body – intolerable of what it does not know until, one day, it learns, adapts.
One of the greatest joys of being a writer is when the mind works beneath the surface, making unseen connections, and then suddenly offers forth a phrase, a profound line that rings true.
Like the sentence at the top of this post.
I have been working hard lately. The career realm has been a hectic mess of deadlines that I know will somehow be met…but in the meantime, causes every shade of duress under the sun. I do not have enough hands to complete all the projects on my plate. At least, it feels that way.
So of course it’s coping mechanism time. My writer brain goes into one of two protective modes without fail: stop thinking about everything and remain completely still (the stress monster can sense movement) or daydream as an act of escapism and fall into themes and stories that will probably never get written.
Fleshing out ideas is so much easier than sitting down and getting them on the page. They are unlimited when formless and immediately become constrained when trapped by words. My greatest fear is committment and, I believe, being unable to do an idea true justice.
Rationally, however, I am aware that in order to produce anything of note one must first move into the tangible realm. The world doesn’t work well with vague wisps of feeling. No, humans are bound to entertain and appreciate that which exists in some form – the written word counts for something. Even philosophy and the exploration of ideas is committed through record. And as I’m sure any writer would attest, flesh is added to the bones of ideas only when penned. We look back and build on concepts . It’s a process.
To commit to an idea, an action, a person, we must first make a leap and often, it’s one of faith.
Your body is simply being a body – intolerable of what it does not know until, one day, it learns, adapts.
It’s easy to get stuck in the cyclical process of not knowing, believing that not having the necessary experience to complete something automatically predicts failure. Let’s be honest, failure is a scary thing. Failure of the act itself stops us from moving; it’s paralyzing.
I am climbing atop my soapbox. The only way for me (personally, me) to work through such discomfort is to write it out. I breathe in writing – it is my reveal.
Maybe this entry isn’t purely about writing. It’s more a marriage between self-expression and action.
When I began running I had no confidence in my ability. Laborious breathing urged me to believe I could not and would not improve. My legs protested and stairs became particularly difficult. I’ll never forget how much pain I was in after my first run. Here’s the thing: as I pushed and continued, I may have hit rough spots but I was never in that much pain again.
When your body doesn’t know better, it instinctively hits the brakes, resists, cries out in frustration. This is normal. What’s important is that we don’t allow a completely rational reaction to forestall progress.
I’ve hit this wall a lot in life and I’m hitting it again now. Most of this entry was drafted a few months ago. It’s funny, I find myself in a similar situation – though work has abated to a dull simmer – my emotional and mental processes have me wanting to metaphorically bang my head against a wall.
Here’s the short end of it – the straightest and quickest route to peace and happiness – we must hold ourselves accountable for our desires and work tirelessly to pursue them. No lengthy stalls, no wallowing in complacency or diverting one’s attention to another endeavor that does not push us towards progress. A step is a step is a step, no matter how small.
As always, the advice is plain and simple, but following it is another matter entirely.
The clock struck twelve and the calendar’s reset. It’s a new year bursting with resolutions, revelations, and lessons learned.
Times. Long. Past.
Social media is a weirdly contrived construct. It’s so easy to become wrapped up in the stories people are telling, to become envious and grasping at the portrait of the things they have. A portrait because we feed our followers what we want them to see. We control the information. Whether it’s an accurate representation of our lifestyle is another matter entirely.
If we’re not careful, we become works of fiction.
Don’t be afraid; people are so afraid; don’t be afraid to live in the raw wind, naked, alone…
Learn at least this:
Let nothing stand in your way.
There are times when I experience swells of emotion. Words stop in my throat because I’m not quite sure how to transcribe all feeling. As a writer who prides herself on self-expression, this can present quite the conundrum. If you placed me in a specific environment and asked me to describe what I saw, felt, tasted – I would take no issue. I could effortlessly pull from my mind words and phrases to paint a picture, more a mood. Evoking responses in the written sense is often effortless. It’s just how I’m wired.
Continue reading “Confessions from the Inkwell: Writing to Achieve Balance”
“When I’m criticized unjustly (from my own viewpoint, at least), or when someone I’m sure will understand me doesn’t, I go running for a little longer than usual. By running longer it’s like I can physically exhaust that portion of my discontent. It also makes me realize again how weak I am, how limited my abilities are. I become aware, physically, of these low points. And one of the results of running a little farther than usual is that I become that much stronger. If I’m angry, I direct that anger toward myself. If I have a frustrating experience, I use that to improve myself.”
― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running
Maybe this title is a bit of a misnomer. High expectations always serve to shoot one in the foot, but I’m talking about a process, not an endgame and that makes all the difference.
The original definition of alchemy is the process by which matter is transformed. In particular, attempts were made to convert base metals into gold or to find a universal elixir.
So basically there’s a bunch of crotchety old renaissance men searching for the shortcut to something wonderful.
But when you look at it (and I mean, really look at it), alchemy, at its core, is all about transfiguration. So let’s take a universal principle and apply it to the rich inner life we all secretly live. You know, the one rife with hopes and dreams and the image we hold of ourselves: of who we want to be and who we wish we were.
C. Assad urges us to “close [our] eyes and imagine the best version of [ourselves]…[L]et go of any part of you that doesn’t believe it.” And though drenched in tacky sentimentalism (because most of us have become jaded cynics in our “mature” age), I have to agree. The truth is, if you don’t believe in yourself (or consequently have a support network that believes in you), you’re not going to achieve much of…well, anything.
Have you ever noticed that when trying to phase out a bad habit (like smoking, for instance), a person will say that he/she’s doing it for someone else? For example, the kids. The “I want to be around for them when they get older,” phrasing immediately comes to mind. I propose that it’s a great deal easier to enact a healthy life style change when we tell ourselves that it’s for the sake of someone else, especially when it’s hurting someone we care about.
Unfortunately many of us belong to the jaded personhood society. That is to say, we don’t always take an accurate measure of our self worth. It’s much easier to pull ourselves from a dark place because people need us or to make them proud. This is due to the fact there’s a distinct emotional return, which, conversely, sits in direct opposition from doing something because it’s good for us. What will be possibly achieve achieve – besides better health and peace of mind? These two things don’t hit the satisfaction center quite as much as emotional reinforcement from another person does.
Enacting positive changes for other people is an okay thing to do – so long as it is indeed a healthy choice and not masked purely by the desire to please others. It’s important that you’re personally invested in some way, shape, or form.
Let’s get personal.
When I think about my childhood, I have a pretty distinct memory that crops up time and time again. I am in the basement with my sister and cousin and for some reason, they kind of annoyed me. I was the runt of the litter (youngest at the time with 3/4 years between said sister and cousin) and I liked to garner attention. We were talking about standing up for oneself and in general, embracing badassery. Little me immediately climbed on the couch, put up her dukes, and with a jump and kicking motion, professed her desire to learn karate.
Now, I’ve always been drawn to the martial arts, but have never had the opportunity to engage. My sister danced for a while and I did the same thing for…five years? The reason being, karate was too expensive and my sister already had time invested aforementioned activity.
Fast forward to my college years when I dropped in to take a karate class that my Uncle attended. I wasn’t into exercising at the time and all the running around and cardio upset my breakfast. I promptly threw up halfway through the workout. Talk about an ego destroyer.
In 2008, I began consistently going to the gym. There have been times I’ve fallen off the wagon due to the health reasons, but since January of this year I’ve remained rather steady. One of my greatest accomplishments is building strength – particularly in classes using weights. Even though I make the conscious effort to workout and be healthy, I often slide back into my childhood mentality of embracing suck in the athletic arena.
I was always last to run the mile, I could never consistently serve a volleyball over the net, and I got severe anxiety whenever I was up to bat (or kick) for a specific sport. I was only ever comfortable playing badminton.
I never learned to feel connected with my body. While most children experience this at a young age (through sports), I was busy feeling socially outcast in community ventures. I was a very sensitive and introspective child who was terrified of failure and in truth, I still hold these qualities.
Here’s the thing: I enjoy pushing myself and getting out there and testing my strength. It’s the judgement and thought of failure that I abhor. So, what happens when supportive people enter your life and encourage you try new things while subsequently reserving (re: completely demolishing) judgement?
You grow.
The first time I ran, I wanted to die. I wanted to trip my supportive boyfriend, hail a cab, go home, and indulge in a hot and steamy bubble bath. The only reason I ventured beyond my comfort zone was because I didn’t do a lot of cardio and he was (and is) extremely active and patient with my hesitance in the physical realm. And maybe a small part of me wanted to impress him (because panting, sweating, and cursing earns major relationship points, right?).
He kept encouraging me and I ended up running a mile and pushed myself to alternately walk and jog an additional 1.85 miles. Of course I couldn’t get the hang of stairs for the next few days and my body felt completely demolished, but I was alive and breathing and I had proven something to myself.
So stuff like this is hard in the beginning but it does gets easier.
There’s also a certain high that comes from accomplishing physical feats. In all honesty, I dreaded running more than I looked forward to it, but I always felt that rush afterwords and I fell in love with it. So I would tell my boyfriend when I planned to go on runs or when I completed them – 1. to hold myself accountable and 2. because I knew he would provide me with emotional boost necessary to keep doing this stuff over and over again.
Two weeks ago I was in my favorite nostalgia point, a beach town at the tip of New Jersey that I’ve been vacationing at all my life. For some reason, this earwig of running on the beach at sunrise wormed its way into my brain. So on the second day of vacation, I made sure I had my toes in the sand before 6am. Barefoot, I made my way to the water and set off on a 2.5 mile run.
It was invigorating. It was beautiful. My mind pulled John Mayer’s “3×5” to forefront of my consciousness:
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes. It brought me back to life.
And yeah M-dog. It did. It really did. As my feet splashed through water and my muscles ached, all I could think about was my attempt to follow through with what my mind had suggested.
I ran three times that week. Biked twice. Kayaked. Walked. And, in a rare twist of fate, stumbled upon a Beach Run 5K … which I signed up for … two days before the event took place (and consequently the day my family and I would be leaving vacation).
It was another earwig that made me do it because science and proving one’s self worth! I was absolutely terrified, but I knew that if I was going to run my first 5K, then this would be the perfect place to start. I’ve also come to realize that the timing is never quite right and it’s best to throw oneself into things before one has too much time to talk oneself out of it. (I will probably be kicking myself when this advice is used against me later.)
So at 8am on Sunday August 8th, I joined 300 people on the beach for a very nerve-wracking experience.
Spoiler alert: I did it. I ran the entire 5K straight through without stopping and achieved a time of 41 minutes and 23 seconds. I didn’t finish last (added bonus). And when things were over, I gasped for air and cried like a baby. I was also rewarded with a very sweet belgian waffle breakfast.
You know what’s funny? I haven’t gone on a run since the marathon. Sure, I’ve been doing other exercise and hiking, but running? Nope. I’m going to change that today.
Perfecting self-alchemy isn’t about attaining some golden standard. It’s not immediate success, but the continued effort and enthusiasm necessary to keep moving forward. The process can be likened to metal working. How do metalsmiths make their medium stronger? They put it over flame and hammer it incessantly, folding and changing its shape. That’s how you render steel. That’s how you transform yourself.
You are what you put into your journey. Surround yourself with amazing people. Take risks and embrace challenges. You’ll be surprised by what you’ll accomplish. I guarantee it.
“To believe in something and not to live it is dishonest.”
–Mahatma Gandhi
There’s always been a fire inside of me that I credit to the desire to live in perpetual wonder. I will never grow jaded. I will celebrate the miraculous with every breath I exhale.
The thought is, of course, generated because of my own experience. I’ve seen what stress does to the people I care about. How hate and disgust and lack of understanding warps a person’s personality to the point where he/she becomes this vengeful and accusatory thing. Living with such people is incredibly draining. Every motive is questioned, every action criticized, and when the norm becomes this behavior (instead of pleasant interaction), man oh man have you stepped in it.
The way we respond to people is a direct correlation to how we feel about ourselves at any given moment. For example, when stressed, our fuses are short – savvy? Hostility tends to take center stage and more often than not, we’re apt to interact with people in a harsher manner. It’s important to remind ourselves that the way people respond to us is rarely a reflection of how we present ourselves (unless one is being an ass-hat, then stop that). The fact is, we can approach a person or situation with the best intentions and yet, things won’t always go as planned.
As someone who is very sensitive, I find it hard to navigate through a world which is exceedingly judging. A critical eye or a shift in tone has the ability to send me reeling, to pitch my mood low and otherwise destroy what may have been an outstanding day. I’m an emotional sponge. It’s no secret that I need to work on boundaries and barriers when it comes to my own mental and emotional health.
Over the years I’ve become super wary about what I’m capable of energy-wise. My tolerance for stimuli has plummeted and if I’m to be truthful, this is directly proportionate to the stress in my life. More often than not, I find my body reacting in a “preventative measure” way. It’s very likely that I suffer from hypervigilance.
As Wikipedia puts it:
Hypervigilance is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats … [and is also] accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion. Other symptoms include: abnormally increased arousal, a high responsiveness to stimuli, and a constant scanning of the environment for threats.[1][2]
Basically the central nervous system likes to run on the highest level. It’s the prick of electricity that keeps humming and scanning. For instance, my brain likes to play the game of how does so & so feel today? It’s funny how much you can tell about a person based upon how they move, the way they sigh, or the way they speak. Body language is king and I am constantly plugged into the moods of those around me. Then, taking it a step further, how will said emotional state affect me? How will they react?
It’s exhausting, especially when such means are used to circumvent conflict in an unhealthy manner. Hypervigilance also has roots in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
[Breathing slow because I need to get the words right.]
Now here’s where things get sticky: when you start adjusting your actions and what you choose to say based upon the diffusion of conflict, of smooth sailing, when you become disingenuous in your reaction to others because it will cause ill-will, you are doing yourself a great disservice.
In general, our self-worth is tied to the people who play very important roles in our lives. Parents, siblings, friends, significant others, all of them are fighting their own battles and there are times when they’ll be incapable of experiencing life outside of their personal mainframe. And you know what? It’s going to feel like you’ve been abandoned, like others don’t care or you’re not worth the time. If you’re a highly sensitive person, you may begin to internalize the way they treat you as a reflection of your own self-worth. Please, don’t. Fight that with all your might and do something that makes you feel strong. Write. Go out and push your limits. Question. Climb a mountain. Read. Get our of the environment that steals your power and embrace whatever strength lies inside of you.
People are flawed and they won’t always be just or fair. For the sake of your integrity and your sense of self-worth, you’ve got to be in vibration with your own soul. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Speak up, say, “Hey, your behavior is really chafing me wrong and I’m a bit out of sorts today. Can you please not do that?” If they respond unkindly, know that you approached the situation to the best of your ability. Do not engage further. Walk away.
This is incredible advice, you know? It’s also difficult as all hell follow.
Personally, I draw strength from putting a pen to paper or writing anonymously as someone on the internet. It encourages me to take a look at my own wounds and to also find solutions. I’m braced by courage and a fresh perspective. I’m learning that in order to feel stronger, it’s necessary that I flex my strength in other areas of my life.
Indoor rock climbing. Hiking. Making it to the top of Mt. Ampersand. Waking up at 5am and running. Working out consistently 5-6x a week. Embracing new experiences. Expanding social circles. Practicing follow through. All of these things constantly challenge the mold of who I once was: a complacent young woman whose silence festered far too long, whose quietude acted as a defense mechanism as not to rattle cages or upset others. I began to think that standing still was the only way to prevent things from falling apart, that leaving situations which no longer served me was a form of abandonment.
To quote a poem I wrote in April:
You can turn your heart inside out baby,
inspect the holes, wondering why you weren’t good enough.
I know walking away scares you to the point of
rooting legs as redwoods in winter.
But honey, you’ve got to move.
We all have a voice and it’s imperative to use it every single day. It’s the only way we remain authentic human beings, that we continue to grow in healthy ways.
To keep that promise to myself, to stay wide-eyed with wonder and seek out the magnificent, to not be shaped by the cruelties of the world, that which twists and hampers the spirit, changing who we are at our core, is my greatest desire.
In order for that occur, I have to keep pushing – we all do. Emotional, mental, and physical fatigue be damned, If we stop, we get complacent. If we get complacent, we fall into old habits.
That’s the last thing I want.
For the sake of sounding corny and referencing the title of this blog, it’s imperative to breakout of preconceived notions. Too many people think that reaching adulthood means conforming to what the world wants you to be – punching into that 9-5, living a respectable life, ponying up with a life-partner, sticking with a job that pays the bills until retirement rolls around, then maybe traveling the world.
Give me adventure. Give me the fantastic. Give me a world brushed with such color that I never dream of going back to that gray way of thinking.
Security is a wonderful idea and when you grow up without it, you crave it all the more. Whether it’s financial or job-based doesn’t matter, we must be remember security doesn’t equate happiness.
It’s the challenge and scuffs that make life worthwhile, the – I don’t believe I can do this, but dammit I’m here and I’m dedicated – that inflames passion. Revealed and stripped bare, we finally recognize what we’re capable of.
I live for those moments and I know when they occur. When you tap into that genuine self and operate from its center, everything flows. There’s peace and happiness and gratitude and everything feels so calm, so right.
Making the intuitive leap and listening to that inner voice can be downright frightening. It’s blazing a new path unique to oneself. Quite honestly, I’m terrified, but if I don’t live earnestly, if I don’t embrace my ideals and wear them proudly – who am I?
I recognize the privilege of being alive and I will embrace and speak my truths. No more fear.
thebreakoutchronicles 